


you can stay with me

by apiculteur



Series: if you want to love me [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Relationship Discussions, ish?, just two mentally ill boys tryna have a healthy relationship, reference to panic attacks depression and suicidal thoughts (but no detailed discussion)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 16:52:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18695518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apiculteur/pseuds/apiculteur
Summary: Connor finds some old, self-hating letters that Evan wrote for himself before they started dating.He didn’t meant to read it, but maybe that didn’t matter, because his eyes went from skimming over the words to fully taking them in, and then he was realising the letter right behind that one had his name on it too- not just his name, but Zoe’s name- and he was reading a second letter.He stopped himself before he went any further, placed them back in the box where he found them and neatly placed it back into the drawer that it had come from. As if treating the object with delicate care would make up for the mistakes he had just made.





	you can stay with me

**Author's Note:**

> hello [patchworkrabbit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PatchworkRabbit/pseuds/PatchworkRabbit) commented on my last work a few months ago saying i should write this as a sequel and i finally replied to comments recently and decided to write this. just casually adding a sequel as if it hasnt been almost 2yrs since i wrote that last piece lmao.
> 
> little warning for mention of panic attacks / suicidal thoughts / depression but theres no graphic discussion of anything
> 
> title is from if you want to by beabadoobee (as is the name of the series)

It had been almost nine months since the argument that had been resolved by Connor and Evan admitting they had feelings for each other.

Since then, not as much had changed between the two of them- Connor was trying to be more honest with Evan about his feelings, Evan was trying to return the favour. They went on dates, spent more time alone with each other in between meeting up with friends. They had sex for the first time- Evan’s first time ever, not quite Connor’s first time but definitely nothing like the dispassionate screws he had resigned himself to before Evan.

Fuck, Connor had even met Evan’s mom- like he had ever pictured that happening. None of his ‘relationships’ had ever been like that. Connor had told himself that he just wasn’t a ‘meet the parents’ type of guy. He was the type of guy who was desperate enough for attention and a distraction from his own mind that he would be an easy lay, and he’d carry on being an easy lay until you got tired of him and you never spoke to him again. Depressing, but true.

That was why he had been unable to imagine things working out with Evan.

Evan was nothing like the guys Connor had been with before. He wasn’t the type of guy who would be with someone for the sex alone, which immediately ruled out every guy Connor had been with. He cared deeply, still held some idealistic views of romance, had never been with someone before Connor. Connor had thought that, if Evan knew about his past flings, Evan would realise who Connor really was.

The miserable, touch-starved asshole, so afraid of being alone that he would take whatever he was given, but so afraid of being known that he would run before anyone could ever understand him.

For months, Connor had been convinced that Evan would see that and he would hate it. Even after they began to go on dates regularly, Connor tried to keep himself a little reserved, tried to hide that part of him. Of course, it came up in conversation eventually, as they were laying down in bed after a heated makeout session. It had almost- _almost_ \- escalated to something more, but Evan had, politely but with obvious panic, broken it off. He waited a while before he asked, as if that would fool Connor into thinking it was something which had only just occurred to Evan rather than something Evan probably thought about often.

Had Connor ever been with someone before- _you know, like, for sex?_

If it weren’t for the emotional baggage attached to that particular question, Connor would have made fun of him for the phrasing. As it was, he barely managed to huff out a hollow laugh, giving a couple evasive answers before Evan’s gentle but persistent pressing made him answer.

Evan hadn’t been disgusted, didn’t seem put off.

There were other issues, with Evan worrying if he would be too inexperienced for Connor or not attractive enough, but Connor could talk him down from those things.

Connor loved Evan, though at that point he hadn’t voiced it or even properly admitted it to himself. If Evan tried to put himself down, Connor could jerk into a fierce, protective mode where he reasoned away Evan’s worries, or, if necessary, simply distracted him until they were forgotten.

But if Evan had an issue with Connor? Well, Connor couldn’t say that he loved himself. He would shut down or lash out or self-destruct if Evan realised he didn’t want Connor.

So, they still had issues. They were two queer, mentally ill guys in a relationship, it was bound to happen. But they worked them out.

Now, Connor was in Evan’s bedroom, waiting for him to get back from the park.

It was summer. Evan was back at his job in Ellison State Park, and Connor was doing his best to stay away from his family as much as possible, now that he didn’t have the regular distraction of school. He had picked up a job at the local pizza place, which he hated but it paid better than most jobs in the area. Larry said it was good for Connor to be around other people. He still spoke about Connor like he was a badly behaved dog who needed to be socialised, but he was trying. Boy, did he suck sometimes, but he was trying.

The most effective way for Connor to avoid arguments was to spend time out of the house. As long as his parents knew he wasn’t out getting high somewhere, they were happy for him to waste away the days, at work or at Evan’s or with other friends (he had those now- other friends).

This was part of Connor’s new scheme to stop arguments. He was at Evan’s place, let in by a very welcoming and less frazzled than usual Heidi. She had chatted with him for a few minutes, which had been pleasant enough but tinged with the latent discomfort which was inevitable when Connor spoke to adults. Especially adults that he wanted to impress. Heidi loved Connor for befriending her son, and even more for falling in love with him. She was one of their biggest supporters and she liked to make that clear. It delighted Alana and Jared, but Evan and Connor shied away from it.

It verged on too much. Connor couldn’t help but anticipate a misstep. At some point, he would say the wrong thing and Heidi would give him _that look_.

So, he scurried away to Evan’s room as soon as the offer was presented to him. It would be an hour until Evan got back, but Connor had his phone to entertain him, and Evan always let him rummage through his room. There were some hidden gems- old pictures of Evan looking goofy, terrible drawings of comic book characters, trashy novels that Connor would never expect Evan to own.

He had tired of refreshing his Twitter feed aimlessly, so he swapped tactics to digging up some gold, and he thought he had found it when he discovered a box full of loose papers. It reeked of old, embarrassing attempts at writing a novel, so Connor had to hold back a melodramatic pout when he realised they were all old ‘Dear Evan Hansen’ letters.

Connor had probably seen half of them already. Evan had made it part of his routine to forget about them until a day or two before his appointment, or sometimes hours, which left him rushing to finish them with Connor looking over his shoulder and giving advice, when asked. Sure, it was meant to be Evan coming up with the positive letters, but he doubted it would make much of a difference either way. While Dr. Sherman had definitely helped Evan to break some old, destructive habits, Connor felt pretty confident when he said that it was not thanks to those letters. Even now, in a much better headspace than he was a year or two ago, Evan found those things tiring and that was about it. Honestly, it shocked Connor that he still wrote the damn things.

Because of that, Connor didn’t feel too guilty flipping through them. He had no intention of reading any, because he was fairly sure that they were all along the same lines and, despite how open Evan and Connor tried to be, it still felt like overstepping a boundary to look through his therapy assignments.

But Connor was a flawed human being. He was bored, easily intrigued, and insecure, but for the most part, he was just flawed.

Near the back of the pile, his eyes caught on his own name, printed neatly in an impersonal font. After a pause, he pulled it out.

He didn’t meant to read it, but maybe that didn’t matter, because his eyes went from skimming over the words to fully taking them in, and then he was realising the letter right behind that one had his name on it too- not just his name, but Zoe’s name- and he was reading a second letter.

He stopped himself before he went any further, placed them back in the box where he found them and neatly placed it back into the drawer that it had come from. As if treating the object with delicate care would make up for the mistakes he had just made.

His stomach churned as if he was on a narrow pathway, looking down at a great drop below him. There were too many emotions for him to process. The insecurity giving way to dull pangs of jealousy as he read through the reminder of Evan’s crush on Zoe. Anger at himself for the way he had treated Evan, shoving him to the floor for no real reason like the average school bully. Regret for not talking things through with Evan sooner, leaving him believing that Connor willfully hid a relationship from Evan because Connor was too afraid to admit that he had feelings for Evan. A flush of affection as Evan wrote about being in love with Connor, crushed down by the overwhelming pain at seeing Evan’s self-hatred.

Connor knew Evan had anxiety and depression, had struggled with suicidal thoughts just like Connor had. It wasn’t that they didn’t talk about it- Connor knew for a fact that he was one of the few people that Evan _did_  talk about this stuff to. But they weren’t so candid about it when they discussed it. They understood each other’s boundaries. These letters had clearly been written when Evan was at rock bottom, body trapped underneath the weight of his thoughts, letting the words seep out of him without sparing a thought to censorship.

It was raw. Raw in a way that Connor had never quite seen from Evan, even when he had seen him mid-panic attack or sobbing or so frustrated that tears were streaming down his cheeks.

The door opened, and Connor jerked upright as if he was thirteen and his parents had just walked into his room to discover him holding a blunt.

Evan was smiling at him, bemused. His hair was curling a little bit at his temples where it was slightly sweat-dampened. Evan said that the sweating was the only thing he didn’t like about his job.

“Connor?” he asked. There was no surprise at seeing Connor in his room- Connor texted him as he arrived to warn Evan to expect him when he got home, and he had gotten a row of smiley faces and hearts back, peppered with a couple of trees. The question was clearly about Connor’s jumpiness and his expression. For those who knew Connor, it was easy to read his face.

“Hey,” he mumbled, eyeing the doorway behind Evan.

He closed the door and sat on his bed, one hand splayed out on the covers beside him to prop him up and as an implicit ‘come here’.

Connor stood slowly and sat down beside him.

“Did something happen?” His eyes were darting across Connor’s body as if trying to find a mark.

Connor reached to squeeze his hand, to stop his boyfriend from looking so worried, but retracted the contact before Evan could turn the touch into something more committed. “I found something while I was looking through your room.”

Evan’s shoulders sunk a little lower, not so hunched, but his expression became more unreadable. Cautious. He made a small questioning sound.

“I’m sorry. I- I found a bunch of your therapy letters in your drawer and I didn’t plan to read them but-” Connor felt his face twisting. “But I did. They were from just before we got together and I… I don’t think they were ones that you showed to Dr. Sherman.”

For a second, Evan looked blank as he tried to recall what Connor was talking about, then something flickered across his face. “Oh,” he said, staring at his knees.

“I get it if you’re mad at me.”

Evan seemed to shake himself out of his memories, looking up at Connor. “Okay.” He didn’t elaborate.

A few beats passed.

“Are you mad at me?”

God, Connor sounded like such a dumb kid.

Evan shrugged. “Not really? I don’t know. I mean. I don’t know. I’ve already told you more than I ever wrote in those letters- even the ones I didn’t show anyone- and…” Evan gave another shrug. He seemed a little lost in this conversation. “I don’t know,” he repeated.

That look, Connor realised, was Evan waiting. Bracing himself for more.

Before Connor could work himself any deeper into his thoughts, Connor spoke up. “I guess I just didn’t realise how bad it got. It really sounded like you… hated yourself.” Connor’s fists clenched in his lap.

Evan gave him a weak smile. “I did? I mean, I hadn’t worked through any of my issues back then. Not really. My anxiety has gotten better, but back then I just. I didn’t understand how anyone could even bear to look at me, nevermind, y’know, being friends with me or dating me.”

Tentative, Connor slipped his fingers underneath Evan’s hand. Evan moved it around so they were holding hands.

“It’s not as bad now. Like, I can’t remember the details of what I wrote, but I know it wasn’t good. But I don’t usually get that bad anymore. I guess the whole unrequited love thing brought out the worst in me, and I know I was friends with you and Alana and Jared back then, but I don’t think it had fully sunk in. I was still waiting for you all to- to leave me, or to realise I wasn’t good enough for you, or to tell me it was all a big fucking joke. And I still didn’t really talk to other people about my emotions so it just.” He breathed in. “It all came out in these massive, self-hating letters that I would write to myself.”

“You would talk to someone now, right?” he asked. He was fairly sure of the answer, but he wanted to hear it.

“Yes!” Evan said, nodding rapidly, but it wasn’t an empty assurance, Connor knew. “Man, bottling that stuff up _sucked_. I thought people would get mad at me for talking about it, or they’d shoot me down, so I kept it all inside and. It felt like I was choking all the time. Like I was just swallowing down some, I don’t know, some big- big kraken of emotions that was trying to break out of my chest.”

Connor pulled at his hand, and Evan immediately curled himself into Connor’s chest as if he had been waiting for the signal.

He turned his head so he cheek was pressed flat against Connor’s t-shirt, his gaze hidden but probably directed at the bedsheets. “I have you guys now, and things are getting better with my mom. Things are getting better, really.”

“I know. I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re lying.” He swallowed. “I just wasn’t expecting to see that all of that. I shouldn’t have gone through your stuff like that.”

He felt Evan’s shoulders shift up against his chest before dropping back down. “I always let you look through my room, I don’t mind,” he murmured. Connor ran a hand up the back of Evan’s neck, reaching up to rub circles into Evan’s scalp. He never asked for head massages, but he never failed to unravel when Connor played with his hair.

“You know you’ll carry on having me?” Connor asked. Evan stopped resting against Connor quite so much, turning to look towards him. “Like. At college. Wherever you go, or I go, I’m not going to call it off because of a little distance. As long as you don’t call it off.”

By the time Connor finished speaking, Evan had straightened up and was looking straight at Connor. That wasn’t really what Connor had wanted, but he didn’t let himself break off eye contact. “I wouldn’t call it off,” Evan told him with conviction.

“I just, Alana implied that you had been worrying about what would happen to us when the summer’s over. And you mean a lot to me. I’m really, really in love with you, and I don’t give a shit if we’ve got to work through long-distance and busy schedules. I’m going to do this for as long as you want to.”

This wasn’t something they had ever discussed. They had vaguely spoken about kids and marriage, but it had been in a general sense rather than to establish what they both wanted from this relationship. It had always felt committed enough, but the looming question mark that was the end of summer had cast a shadow on things. Sometimes, Evan clung onto him so tightly as they shared a bed that Connor thought he expected to wake up alone. They only ever spoke about college if they were talking with someone else and the subject came up.

“Well, I was planning to be with you for as long as you wanted,” Evan told him. There was a challenge in his voice.

“Then I guess I’m going to have to get ready to spend a lot of money on gas,” Connor told him, like it was settled.

“I guess I’ll have to save up for a car.”

Connor kissed him.

“I guess you will.”

It was settled.

**Author's Note:**

> so, this is the first piece of writing i have finished since the 1st work in this series bc life is wild. pls b nice 2 me xo


End file.
